I Did a Lot This Year and I'm Guessing You Did Too.
I did a lot this year, but for some reason I always focus on what I didn't do.
It’s really hard to change your perspective on life in an instant or even a year. Old habits are hard to break and for me I’ve learned that even more while being in therapy this year. Last year around this time I read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and it was illuminating, but it also scared me. In the book the author talks about how trauma changes you, rewires you, and my worst fear came to fruition, that my life and some of its hardships changed me, despite me working hard for that to not be the case. Usually I’m someone that when something happens, I take immediate action. Sometimes I can be annoying like men; you tell me a problem and I am like okay let’s solve this or I am like there must be a lesson in this. I very rarely just sit in my feelings or realizations. That often feels like stagnancy, but my therapist on the other hand thinks I would benefit from taking a moment to sit in my emotions. So when I read how trauma can change you last year, I realized that perhaps I should be working on acceptance and then I could get to change.
But I’m hard headed and like I said, old habits are hard to change so I kept trying to do the whole change thing before acceptance this year. Even though this year felt like in many ways the most stagnant year of my life, it also felt like the first year I practiced hard at acceptance. I failed, I still have a long ways to go, but I realized I did so much this year and I didn’t think to give myself a pat on the back until right now (or until last night when I thought about writing this lol). And like the title says, I feel like the same goes for all of us.
I wanted to start this off with the things that have been plaguing me these days. Namely, all my negative thoughts and how fucking loud they can be. When I had a thought the other day about the good things I did this year, it actually stopped me in my tracks because I hadn’t had a positive thought like that in a few days. While negative thoughts come and go, it shouldn’t surprise me that I had a positive thought. Now to give myself grace, I had been sick for almost 2 weeks at that point so I get why I was a little down in the dumps. But a lot of my thoughts were about the things I didn’t do. I wanted to make more headway in writing, I wanted to make more money, and I wanted to feel more happy and secure in my body. And I felt like I failed at a lot of those things. I felt like I even got worse in some of those departments. I didn’t write as much as past years, I felt stable financially, but I also spent a lot of money, and if I am being very honest with y’all, this year is the worst I have ever felt about my body. While everyone has been praising the weight I’ve gained, I am upset and disappointed and realizing that I struggle with accepting change. There goes that whole acceptance thing again.
But when I thought about the good things I did this year, I got a tiny bit emotional because while they felt small compared to everyone else’s wins, they were huge for me. Here are some accomplishments:
I got into two grad school programs earlier this year
I also got two scholarships for grad school
I took myself to Europe for the first time ever and went to three cities: London, Paris, and Amsterdam
I bought a car and paid for it in full
I baked seriously this year and I got really fucking good at it and will only get better
I took a class at Stanford and submitted a bomb final paper that my professor loved
I made a lot of new friends and maintained my old ones
That’s all I can think of right now, but I want to talk about why it’s so important for me to talk about the good things I have done. I don’t know about y’all, but I have a very critical voice when it comes to things I do. Parts of that come from my upbringing and the other parts of that come from my need for control. And a lot of shit this year felt out of my control, even at times my own body and mind felt out of my control. So I need to talk about the good things I did because I need to talk myself up! Applying to grad school felt so daunting, I didn’t feel like my transcript displayed I was smart enough, I didn’t feel accomplished enough, and I was so sure I wouldn’t get in anywhere. Now whether I go or not is a completely different topic, but applying and getting in was huge!
Taking myself to Europe was also a big decision. I know lots of folks who read this have been to Europe many times, vacation there often, and may find it weird I never visited until I was 27 years old. But for me, planning that trip and getting myself there all on my own dime felt insurmountable at times. I had to keep telling myself it was okay to spend the money, that it would come back to me and that it was okay to spoil myself in this big way. I almost cried a few times while in Paris, I was so happy. I hadn’t had a vacation in three years at that point and that trip forced me to see how much I shy away at prioritizing myself.
Buying that car! Whew buying that car was insane to do as someone who couldn’t drive just 5 years ago. And buying that car in cash was scary to do, but I knew I didn't want a car note on top of gas and insurance. So I did it, and even though I know absolutely nothing about cars, I’m learning and it feels really fucking good to say I own something big like that. I know it’s common to everyone, but for me as a girl from The Bronx? Things I did? That!
I’ve talked about my baking so I will spare y’all but it has brought me immense pleasure to feed people while also teaching myself new things. My class at Stanford was a way to get myself back into a classroom without the commitment of grad school and I thoroughly enjoyed it! Something about debating with old white people thrills me, especially when I am right. And most of all I could not have gotten through this year without my friends. When things seemed sad and dark and it felt like the people I should be close to weren’t safe spaces, I had my friends. And they accepted me with all my flaws without coddling me. They let me talk or not talk and they checked in even when I insisted I didn't need check ins.
So yes, trauma and painful experiences do change you. They rewire your brain, they activate your nervous system, but also there is something called neuroplasticity. Which is that your brain can change with a different environment. So giving yourself positive experiences, surrounding yourself with the support and love you need, and continuously putting yourself in better circumstances can lead to change as well. In summary, healing can also change you and while I’ve been focused on shit I haven’t done, I’ve also done a lot of things this year that are directly tied to my healing and that’s something to be proud of.